Failure™ Magazine

The American Crossword Puzzle Tournament

Ellen Ripstein—the Susan Lucci of crosswords—finally wins the title.

Written by Jason Zasky   Filed under Arts & Entertainment, Life

A Champion is Crowned
In the 2001 tourney, Ripstein squeaked into the final in third place, forcing her to start the championship puzzle—a 15-minute ditty entitled “War of Words”—nine seconds behind leader and first-time finalist Patrick Jordan. (The leader is allowed a head start, the length of which is determined by performance on the seven previous puzzles). All three contestants started cautiously, contemplating clues like “What sots don’t do?” and “Members of the Cat Nation.”

To the dismay of the partisan crowd, Jordan filled in the grid faster than Ripstein, who took a somewhat haphazard and unorthodox approach. To picture Conan and Reagles’ call of the action, imagine two subdued horse racing announcers: “Ellen is breaking out on the right-hand side. This is not a recipe for the easiest way to get all of these things solved. . . . Ellen is not being orthodox but she is getting it done,” said Conan.

Jordan finished the puzzle in a remarkable twelve minutes and seven seconds, which would have guaranteed him the victory if not for a single mistake on his grid (any 100% correct puzzle completed inside of 15 minutes beats a puzzle with a mistake). When the audience realized Jordan’s error, the tension in the room became palpable—everyone pulling for the crowd favorite to finish in time. When she did—in thirteen minutes and thirty-five seconds—the audience exploded. Ripstein turned and removed her headphones, the crowd chanting “Ellen!! Ellen!! Ellen!!” A friend rushed the stage with a banner that read “RRRRRRipstein.”

At the awards luncheon that followed the event, a visibly relieved Ripstein savored the victory. “The final puzzle was not easy. I was having a hard time and I didn’t know if I would finish,” she said. Asked what she would do with the $1,500 first prize, she replied, “Not much,” making reference to the modest dollar value. “I’m going to combine it with my grandmother’s inheritance and get a laptop.”

Where does one go from here now that Ripstein has reached the crossword pinnacle and garnered her fifteen minutes of fame, including an interview with Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America? “Try to do it again sometime,” she said.

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