Failure™ Magazine

I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed

Tales from a Jehovah’s Witness upbringing.

Written by Kathleen A. Ervin   Filed under Arts & Entertainment, Life

How have ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses responded to your book?
The ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses have made writing this book incredibly rewarding. I’ve met some great people online, mostly on Facebook. And I get beautiful emails from people telling me how much they relate to different parts of the book, how they laugh and cry. One woman said that she doesn’t feel like she’s crazy anymore. That really struck me. Somehow, I made someone feel normal, even though I never felt normal myself. That made me feel normal. So it’s been very cool.

You grew up a Jehovah’s Witness but in the end it seems you still ended up possessed by demons. How does that make you feel?
[Laughs]. The only demon I am possessed by is the bronze Buddha in my apartment. Peace and acceptance is just so Satanic.

Do you have any regrets?
I don’t believe in regrets. Everything that happens to us is an opportunity to learn and grow. The only mistake I regret is the one I don’t learn from.

Now some people believe that God creates situations for us. While I don’t believe God is directing my car accidents, I think it’s a good metaphor. I’ve definitely had horrible things happen to me that I now describe as “God” because they forced me to be honest with myself and make changes in my life.

Advise our readers: If Jehovah’s Witnesses show up at their door, how should they react?
Tell them that you are disfellowshipped. Tell them you are an apostate and, if possible, convince them that you are into witchcraft. You can’t argue with Jehovah’s Witnesses. They love to debate—they live for it. If you engage them, they will believe that they are “planting the seed of God’s word” in your brain.

I’d also caution against being mean to them. They’re used to having doors slammed in their face, and it makes them feel like martyrs. Basically, you’re not going to convince them that they are wrong, but you might be able to freak them out.

Are you disappointed the Apocalypse hasn’t arrived?
I am devastated. I was really hoping to live in paradise and own a pet panda. However, I do live in a Japanese garden with a Bengal tiger, a friendly child, and wicker basket with grapes the size of my head. I hope it lasts forever.

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