Failure™ Magazine

American Samoa’s Dream Team

American Samoa sets World Cup 2006 as its goal.

Written by Jason Zasky   Filed under Sports

This summer the eyes of the sports world will be focused on Japan and Korea, co-hosts of the 2002 World Cup. For the uninitiated, the World Cup is the biggest sporting event on the planet, a month-long, 32-team tournament held every four years in which qualifying countries send their national football (soccer, for those of you in U.S.) teams to compete for the privilege of being called “world champions.” As you’d expect, only football powers like Italy, Argentina, Mexico and France earn the right to play. Most small countries and territories are realistic about their chances of taking part in this prestigious event, but not American Samoa, which has boldly stated its desire to qualify for the 2006 tourney. There’s just one problem: American Samoa is arguably the worst team in the world.

In its short football history, American Samoa’s team has never experienced even modest success. American Samoa, an unincorporated territory of the United States with a population of 63,000, was sanctioned for international competition in 1998, and its recent results, to put it mildly, have been disappointing. In the past two years, this ragtag club has suffered three of the 16 most lopsided defeats in international football history, including an 18-0 loss to Tahiti and a 13-0 loss to Fiji, neither of which is renowned for its football prowess.

The ultimate embarrassment came on April 11, 2001, when the squad absorbed the single worst rout of all time, a 31-0 drubbing by Australia. Australia scored so frequently that the referee lost count and the game ended in controversy; ‘Was it 31 or 32 goals scored?’ the officials wondered. After the match Australian striker Archie Thompson—who tallied a record 13 times despite only one prior career goal—said, “I think their one attack consisted of getting over the halfway line.” Thompson could have been more charitable: The American Samoans did manage one weak shot on goal.

Despite being outscored 57-0 in last year’s four World Cup qualifiers, the team’s leader has somehow managed to keep the faith. In an interview with the British Broadcasting Company (BBC), manager Tony Langkilde said, “Despite what some people say, I refuse to accept that we are the worst team in the world. . . . Over the next couple of years we will prove that we are not the worst.”

At the time of that statement, American Samoa was rated dead last by the Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA), 203rd of 203 teams. Since then American Samoa has moved up two places in the world rankings, ahead of Bhutan and Monsterrat, a small Carribean island that has recently been ravaged by volcanic eruptions. Still, it’s unlikely the world will ever hear internationally-recognized football announcer, Andrés Cantor, make his signature 30-second call—“Gooooaaaal . . . goooooaaaaaaal … goooooooaaaaaaaaallllll!”—following an American Samoan score.